Thursday. And I’m thankful the end of the week is near. It bothers me that I look forward to the end of the week. I’m thankful for my job, but it doesn’t sustain me. I struggle to maintain focus and to stay engaged in the work that I’m doing. While I enjoy leading teams to success, many of the steps along the way are tedious, repetitive, and uninteresting.
Six years ago, one of the pastors at my church approached me and asked if I would consider leading the congregation in some contemporary worship songs. She knew I enjoyed singing and that I also played guitar. I agreed, and she supplied me with a list of the CCLI’s top 25 worship songs. It had been ten years since I attended a church that featured praise music, so it wasn’t much of a surprise to me that I did not recognize a single song.
Since I anticipated this was likely a one-time event, I fell back on the standards: “Lord, I Lift Your Name On High” and “Shine, Jesus, Shine”. I recruited some friends and choir members to assist. The result was passable but met with a relatively enthusiastic response. A short time later, I was asked by our Spiritual Growth and Renewal Commission to organize a team to lead music once monthly. I accepted.
Rather than subject any one to the trials and tribulations, successes and rewards, let it suffice to say that I took the ball and ran with it, occasionally in the completely wrong direction.
There were some important, notable changes that occurred. Prior to being given this opportunity, I had little use or patience for contemporary Christian music, let alone worship music. I was in a wholly new territory. I submerged myself in research and listening. Rather than building a repertoire, I was learning a new language. I had no idea who Chris Tomlin or Matt Redman were. All the songs were foreign. All the bands were foreign. In general, I was unimpressed with the landscape. Listening to this music was not a pleasure but a chore.
At some point, something clicked. I think it was when I started to connect the songs in my “How To” books to the songs I was hearing on the radio. I became excited about the idea of sharing these songs with my congregation. I became hungry to hear new songs, more songs. I bought more books, more CDs. I subscribed to services that sent me the latest music and the tools to perform them.
At the same time, I was missing some clear signals from members of the congregation. I made assumptions about their appreciation for the music we were providing. I assumed this is something they wanted, something they bought in to. For some people, this was true. For others, this was so far from reality.
It took me a couple of years and some not-so-subtle complaints to realize that my team was equally reviled and adored. Once that became apparent to me, I found myself self-conscious to the point of being nearly paralyzed. I would read into every bit of body language and allow it to discourage me. When people didn’t sing, I would take it personally. I would spend hours listening to music, trying to identify songs that were both accessible to the congregation and interesting.
And something else was happening: my team was getting very good. We were SOOO amateur when we started. Thankfully, God made us naïve so that we weren’t aware of how unskilled we were. My musicians practiced more on their own, took lessons, and studied the music. I learned how to direct and arrange. I grew more adept at matching songs to the circumstance and not to allow personal preference to drive song selection.
When my son, Sammy, was born in September of 2008, things necessarily needed to change. There were new priorities and certainly less bandwidth. Vanessa couldn’t participate as a team member. She didn’t have the same passion as I did, and she didn’t have the energy. Life was just busier. This was a blow to me. I love singing with my wife. She is a great partner with a lovely voice and a great ear. In many regards, the band was as good as ever, but we were hampered vocally. Though we retained great talent, Vanessa has in many ways been a leader. People look/listen to her as a guide. And she wasn’t there anymore.
At the end of that season, I was burned out, frustrated, and questioning what I was doing. Not questioning my desire to lead worship, but questioning why a person puts forth such an effort for a group of people that are uncertain they want you to be there. And one of my team members was struggling both personally and professionally. He needed to take a step back. This was yet another blow. He was key to ensuring our sound was set up, key because of his enthusiasm, and key for his support for this ministry in general.
When the fall season rolled around, I wasn’t ready. I discovered that my sister wanted to leave the church for a larger church with a younger congregation and better resources. I didn’t blame her. She is single, in her 30s, and had dedicated a lot of time and energy into serving at our church. She needed a break and needed somebody to serve her. I questioned, along with Vanessa, why we chose to remain where we were. Neither of us felt fed spiritually by our service, and we had to fight tooth-and-nail to promote any kind of change.
At this point, I was ready to walk away. I had decided that I needed to, at the very least, take a season off from leading worship. It was not outside of the realm of possibility that we would find another place to worship. It was at that time, on that very day, that I was approached by our Youth Pastor. Fully expecting me to say “no”, he asked if I would consider leading worship each Sunday night for the youth. I took this as a sign from our Lord that it was not time to walk away – it was time to shift my focus. After some brief family discussion, I agreed to work with the youth.
And that decision has brought about much of this current season of renewal and rededication. I lead worship for 10-20 youth, a small but very appreciative group of young people. I believe I have discovered a voice within myself that wants and needs to lead people to Christ and to lead them to worship and praise Him.
I believe that God wants me to take this role to another level. I wait on Him to tell me when it is the right time. And yesterday, my boss at my day job told me this: if I decide I want to pursue this path to a greater extent, he will support me; however, he doesn’t want to lose me as an employee. He would support me working for him part time while I took on a part-time worship leader role.
I’m not ready to pull the trigger yet, but it feels like another message, telling me that I’m heading the right direction. I will continue to listen and prepare for the day when He tells me that it’s time to move.
No comments:
Post a Comment