As I take on this new challenge, I am keenly aware of my desire and tendency to overwork my writing. I will fail to write for the fear of discovering that I am unable to find the appropriate word or some elegant phrasing that suits my message perfectly. I have lost hours upon hours at my desk at work, essentially wasting time, as I fumble around for the right sentence. I hope that the exercise of stringing together my thoughts on a regular basis will sharpen the saw of my writing skill and jumpstart my day.
I often bemoan the fact that I do not keep a regular journal. As I reflect back on special times, I realize just how little I can recall. I still have a journal that I kept briefly when I was in the sixth grade. It was given to me by my friend, Dennis Dalling. It is filled with many stories of my insecurity, need for acceptance, loneliness. And I’m more than a little sad for Joey Brookhouse circa 1982. But I’m so thankful for the stories that I collected through the activity of keeping that journal. Perhaps, in twenty years or so, I will look back at the writings from this 20 some odd days and reflect on the man that I was as I approached my 40th birthday. I hope so.
Since returning from the All About Worship retreat, I have focused on a rededication of my life to Christ. Let me tell you: it is not easy. I remember praying so fervently during our many times of worship. Most especially, I recall crying to our Father, acknowledging that I’m a sinner, expressing my desire to follow Him, and letting Him know just how hard it is. “Lord, it’s just so hard, but I want to be closer to You, I want to follow You, I want to honor and praise You. Everyday. With everything I am. Lord, help me walk with You on this narrow road.”
I was so cognizant of the vast difference between life at the retreat and the resumption of life in the “real world”. I was anxious and aware of the difficulty that lay in front of me as I chose to bring this renewed faith back to my family and congregation. Just as I was praising Him, I was distracted by my fears and doubts about my ability to bring it home.
My wife, Vanessa, during my spiritual journal, has often asked for me not to leave her behind. What does this mean? I can get caught up in things. New ideas, new technology, new ways to express faith, something new to get enthusiastic about. In my zeal, I will take off down the road, leaving everyone behind. And then when I get tired, there’s nobody there with me. Vanessa is calling for me to go forward with her, so that we can participate in this journey as partners.
I must admit that her faith isn’t always evident to me. I know that she prays – I just don’t frequently witness it. And in my arrogance (so much arrogance), I often make the assumption that there really isn’t much to her faith. So what’s to do? I’m trying to make my faith more evident in my household. I’m praying openly and often and encouraging my family to join me. I’m reading my bible daily, then sharing the stories with my family, discussing what we can take away and how it might apply to our daily walk.
The aforementioned arrogance is also evident in my relationship with my congregation. While I attend a fairly inclusive church, they are conservative in their approach to worship and not particularly demonstrative. I find myself frustrated when I don’t see evidence of their faith or passion for Christ. I assume (as I do with my wife) that because I can’t see outward evidence of it, their faith must be small or absent. I assume they show up out of routine or to see friends, not to worship. I don’t know their hearts. I don’t know their faith. But I pray that, somehow, I can reach their hearts and share with them the passion I have. I would love for my faith to be contagious. Part of my challenge will be to understand how that is translated. In other words, I need to reach out to share my enthusiasm, but I also must remain open to however they choose to share (or not share) theirs.
As I’m nearing the end of 800 words, I recognize that there is much to discuss, much to share. I hope that I can become efficient in writing, documenting my thoughts, concerns, ideas, excitement for the Lord working in my life. Our Father knows how imperfect I am – Lord, give me the patience, strength, and resolve to carry forth one day at time, giving my best to You.
Great love…
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